A Diary Entry
The Diary from Our Lady of Hope Community
Wednesday, September 6
Good afternoon, brothers,
Joe woke me up this morning, and I found it unusually hard to overcome my laziness to go to personal Adoration. All I could think about was sleep, so I left early to go lay back down. Tommaso corrected me about this, but I didn't have a reaction because he had told me this before, and I knew what I was doing was blatantly wrong. During the morning Rosary I felt present, and I think now that my presence of mind in the chapel affects my guitar playing, not the other way around, as I had pointed out yesterday. After Joe shared and we ate breakfast, everyone went out to the basketball court for the play rehearsal. I had a reaction with Jay when Jeff told me he wasn't supposed to speak with me. I have been trying to be a positive influence on Jeff since his orientation, so when I heard this I felt my pride come out. I let this reaction get to me, and I lost motivation to show enthusiasm during practice.
Out in Tao (our workshop), I was sanding the AC vents for the chapel when two important screws seemingly disappeared. Jorge and I searched everywhere in Tao for them, and I grew very impatient and worried that Jorge thought I was being careless and lost them because it seems highly improbable that anyone else would pick them up. I realized that maybe I care too much what others think about me, and that this probably traces back to when I was teased in grade school. I wanted to speak to Jorge about my reaction yesterday, because I have caught on to the fact that reactions tend to pile up when you work with the same person all day every day, but he explained to me that he thought it was too early to talk about it, and a reaction of pride exploded within me. I tried to reason with him, then realized what I was doing and shut my mouth. At this point I was exploding with anger and pride inside. I tried to think about some of the talks I had with Tommaso, and I found it somewhat comforting to come to the realization that the craziness that I was feeling is the craziness that is going to change me. I also found it comforting when I realized that I have stopped thinking about leaving when I have a big reaction.
I lived a lot of nervousness at lunch, thinking and worrying about how my diary was going to sound. Afterwards, a few people complimented me on it and I feel that made all the time and thought worth it. I was in a great mood, but due to lack of presence I forgot to start service and was a couple minutes late. When we finished, I went to look for someone to talk to and joined Dan and Jeff for the end of their conversation. Dan and I were trying to give Jeff some positive encouragement, who sounded a lot like myself only 3 months ago.
Back at work, I had a reaction of anger with Jorge again. I lost control of my emotions again, and later made a rude comment. Afterwards, Jorge and I worked on separate things, and I had a lot of time to reflect on the situation. During this time, I felt I had failed and regretted opening my mouth before my reaction had calmed down. I was feeling pretty distressed. I decided I was finally going to ask God for help in a time of need. I feel this was a huge growth for me, because I have never even tried it before. I asked God to bring me peace again, like I had after lunch, and to help me deal with my emotions in an appropriate manner. Jorge and I then prayed the Rosary, and afterward I felt the very peace which I asked for, and Jorge even seemed to be in a much better mood. We got along the rest of the afternoon and even had light conversation with smiles on our faces.
After doing Giro Casa, (sweeping outside around the house) I went to dance practice, and I feel like I did better and enjoyed myself more at this one that any other practice yet. I enjoyed dinner with some lighthearted conversation, and then I took a shower. I then met up with Anthony, and we had a good conversation about a reaction I am having trouble dealing with, and we also talked about his past in community. I enjoyed the conversation, and I see a good friendship growing with him.
Everyone met in the chapel to pray the Miraculous Medal Chaplet, which I felt present during. Dan and I then stayed to practice a song, and then I left and finished the conversation with Anthony. I then went to the chapel to write the diary.
The Gospel today touched me because I felt like Simon, doubting Jesus, then standing in awe at the things He could do for me, if I do as He asks. Lord, I'd like to put into your hands our mothers.
Thank you.